You are at a wedding  .
You are a total Diva .
The best dress, a perfect hairdo...

You fall in love with an invited guest .
You get secret looks the entire night...
On the dance floor, he's by your side constantly, and he dances  like a god...
You are the couple of the evening...

The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women...
The bride is about to throw the bouquet...
You are first in line, in a strategic position...
Once there, you wait for the right moment...
You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him.....
If I catch the bouquet...I Will Marry You!

And then, the moment you've been waiting for...
The bride throws the bouquet...
He doesn't stop looking at you...
You jump like never before to catch the bouquet...


Your arms  stretched-out...


Your hands open...


And suddenly...
******************************************************************
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time,  \
I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife

The fairy moved her magic stick and ~ abracadabra! ~ two tickets for the new Queen Mary 2 luxury liner appeared in
her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity
like this only occurs once in a lifetime,so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish s to go on this trip with a woman who is 30
years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick
abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story...Men might be ungrateful idiots... But
fairies are....female!
******************************************************************
Dating in 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his
date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own
car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother
answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning
to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go
to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go
out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and
he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue
really likes to screw! ; why, she'd screw all night if we
let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles f rom ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and
announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts
his date out the front door while Mom is saying,
"Have a good evening kids," with a small wink
for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled
Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom!  ! The Twist!  The Twist!  It's
called The Twist
******************************************************************
******************************************************************
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest
date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it
is to be single nowadays. This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!  She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the
guy had her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers,
after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late
that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not
have had that extra latte. They were about hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.  Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow
going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the
front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In
the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
peeking. All she could think; about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon
finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady
discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles
immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she
had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment,
she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off
and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater then, as she
looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.  She too, got
the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks
from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly
realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to
unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.  As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down. ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.  Jay Leno's
comment...This gives a whole new meaning to being Pissed off.
******************************************************************
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry
room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman
replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he  stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
******************************************************************
A PRAYER....


Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
******************************************************************
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
LIFE AFTER MARRIAGE
******************************************************************

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his   money  and was a real miser when it came to his
money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart
that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she
came over with the box and put it in the
basket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you
weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm an obedient
wife. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean
to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"   "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together,  put it into
my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."  

******************************************************************

Ten Husbands

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".

"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look
into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system
up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to
deliver .

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and
design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or
not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. . God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Happy Tax time

******************************************************************

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
silence - -

******************************************************************

Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa,
You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma, there ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I  ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and
yells back, "Ma, there ain't nuthin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts
yelling, "Ma, help!  My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

******************************************************************

A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice
on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"
Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied,
"Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekid and we're in bed.
What do I do now?"
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked,"
Did you take your clothes off, too?"
"No." the son replies.
"Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her."

The son calls back a few minutes later and says,
"We're both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"
The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, Son, do
I ha! ve to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body
where she pees!"

The son calls again a minute later.
"Ok, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

******************************************************************

Good Housekeeping Tip:

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel..... so if unexpected
guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.  

******************************************************************

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."
A MARRIED MAN'S CHOPPER
******************************************************************

Men Vs. Women

Difference Between Men and Women

God made men and women to complement each other with their unique traits.  Women have strengths that amaze
men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They
cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are childcare
workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They fight for what they
believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right
schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctors with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know
how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and
themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they
are strong when they think there is no strength left.  A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly,
walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world
spin.  Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give
moral support to their family and friends.  And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same
for people you come in contact with.

MEN:  Men are good at lifting heavy shit.

******************************************************************
******************************************************************

                 Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

******************************************************************

What I Want in a Man, Original List:

1.  Handsome

2.  Charming

3.  Financially successful

4.  A caring listener

5.  Witty

6.  In good shape

7.  Dresses with style

8.  Appreciates finer thing

9.  Full of thoughtful surprises

10.  An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)



1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)



1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)



1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)



1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)



1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
******************************************************************

The Why's of Men:

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)  

******************************************************************
****************************************************************** A
young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They
opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all
mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his
bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?"
she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his
underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox

******************************************************************

WHO SAYS OPPOSITES CAN'T ATTRACT
******************************************************************

WHY AM I MARRIED?

- You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

- At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

- A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:  "Husband Wanted". The next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:  "You can have mine."

- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

- A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

- A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

- Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got  married, and by then, it was too
late."

- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

- Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

- First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

******************************************************************

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would
supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar
based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon

******************************************************************
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.  Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty
divorce.  Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride
ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.  "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,  "Never mind sweetheart.  I'll get another dress. After all, it's your
special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't
have another occasion where you could wear it."  She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner!"

NOW I ASK YOU, IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE,
WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?

******************************************************************

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
! Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. Th! e ! difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
******************************************************************

Guys change too.
Before marriage.
AFTER MARRIAGE
******************************************************************

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother responds, saying,
"Because white is the color of happiness."
The little girl whispers to her mother,
"Then why is the groom's clothes black?"

******************************************************************

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;


He said .. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and flip channels.

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .. We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said .. . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.   Married women come home, see what's
in bed and go to the fridge.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband
that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to Donate Some of her
own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone
was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and
relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want
to thank you for everything you did For me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied,  "I get all the thanks I need every time I see Your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Difference  Between Women And Men  

1. NAMES   
If  Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each  other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.  
If  Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other  as
Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.  

2. EATING  OUT   
When  the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even  though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none  will actually admit they want change back.   
When  the women get their bill, out come the pocket  calculators.   

3. MONEY   
A  man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.   
A  woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on  sale.   

4. BATHROOMS   

A  man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar  of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.   
The  average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would  not be able to identify most of these items.   


5. ARGUMENTS   

A  woman has the last word in any argument.   
Anything  a man says after that... is the beginning of a new   argument.


6. CATS   

Women  love cats.
Men  say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.    

7. FUTURE   

A  woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.   
A  man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.   

8. SUCCESS   

A  successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.   
A  successful woman is one who can find such a man.  

9. MARRIAGE   

A  woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.   
A  man marries a woman expecting that she won't change  ,   and  she does.

10. DRESSING  UP

A  woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,  answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.
A  man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL   

Men  wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women  somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING   

Ah,  children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist  appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and  hopes and dreams.

A  man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.   


13. THOUGHT  FOR THE DAY

Any  married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people  remembering the same thing.

AND  FINALLY....

A  couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An  earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to  concede their position.
As  they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked  sarcastically,

"Relatives  of yours?"

"Yep,"  the wife replied, "in-laws."

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The Top 8 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Band
to Perform at Your Wedding

8> Canned explosions and polka music just don't mix.

7> The washboard player has the garter in his teeth, but the
bride hasn't thrown it yet.

6> The bass player named "Dr. Heathen Scum" with the video
camera isn't so weird. But the guitarist named "Sickie Wife-
Beater" with the very large red snapper is just plain creepy.

5> "I'd like to dedicate this next song to the sweet little
heart tattoo the bride has right below the dimple on that
fine ass of hers."

4> Their version of "The Chicken Dance" requires members of the
kitchen staff, a machete and a permit fee to the local
department of animal control.

3> The lead didgeridoo player has never even *heard* of "Hava
Nagila."

2> They start their set by tearing a photo of Sinead O'Connor in
half, saying "Fight the real enemy!"

and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Band to Perform at
Your Wedding...

1> The 14-minute kettle drum and kazoo solo in the middle of
"Butterfly Kisses."  

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The Top5 Music Musical Quotation of the Week

"I don't deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen
years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn't deserve that,
either. So I'll keep it."
- Quincy Jones

************************************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Band to Perform at Your Wedding
RUNNERS UP list -- Wedding Bland
----------------------------------------------------------

Two words: Armpit solo.
(Brian Bell, Seattle, WA)

They still don't have a lead singer, but at least they were pretty
cheap. (Van Halen only)
(Dustin Moskowitz, Skillman, NJ)

Lead singer's last minute demand to be the bride's last fling.
(Will Middelaer, New Britain, CT)

The good news: It's a Led Zeppelin reunion appearance.
The bad news: You're marrying their super-groupie Pamela Des
Barres, and she's in on the reunion, if you know what I mean.
(Erik Deckers, Syracuse, IN)

I didn't even know GWAR played weddings.
(Michele Lord, Lincoln, NE)

"Sing with me now -- 'D-I-V-O-R-C-E!'"
(Mike Davis, San Antonio, TX)

The lead singer is wearing nothing but homemade cellophane pants.
(Brian Bell, Seattle, WA)

Beer pong in the Hokey Pokey circle is overshadowed by moshing on
the stage.
(Paul L. Gaba, Village of Wellington, FL
)

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******************************************************************

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A KARAOKE JUNKIE IF ...........

1. You burned up a car to get to Karaoke

2. You clap when a song ends on the radio

3. That commercial on TV that makes fun of Karaoke really pisses you off

4. It takes you 15 minutes to hug everybody goodbye

5. You hear a song on the radio and think "That's SoundChoice 8923 - 3".

6. A stranger walks up to you at Wal Mart and compliments you on your singing.

7. The high point of your week is when the KJ gets a new disc.

8. You're a girl but still are willing to sing a guy song.

9. You're a guy but still willing to sing a girl song.

10. You have Laryngitis and still try to sing.

11. People you don't know come up to you and say, "Aren't you that Karaoke Dude / Chick?"

12. You get pissed when somebody sings "Your Song".

13. When you're not at the Karaoke bar by 10:30 people call your house to find out what's wrong.

14. There's 12" of snow on the ground, the wind chill is 30 below, blizzard warnings are out. Where are you?
The Karaoke bar.

15. You wake up from a sound sleep clapping.

16. You get really pissed when you're passed in rotation.

17. The songs "Love Shack", "Friends In Low Places", "American Pie" and "Crazy" really annoy you (unless YOU
want to sing them).

18. It feels weird to go to a new Karaoke bar and not sit at the "regulars" table.

******************************************************************

Talk about priceless wedding mishap

$10,000 for Shangri La Catering Hall

$5,000 for Alcohol and Bar supplies

$2,000 for Dream Wedding Gown

$1,000 for Videographer



Having 69 year old Aunt Agnes flashing “The Beaver� as she squats down pantyless to take your picture during
the father-daughter dance….PRICELESS !!!
******************************************************************

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The
undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land,
for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried
here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!

******************************************************************

From a man's perspective

A man must have his priorities after all.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she
had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist
turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish"


******************************************************************

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)



You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to
find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twent y-thre e is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether
they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if
you listen long enough.
-- Ly nnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to
do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD ! YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Below is a large collection of relationship & wedding jokes.
Hope you have many laughs!